o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
