Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
