Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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