My sheets look like a crime scene.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
