What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Your dad touched me again.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i dont even know how to be here
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
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