Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
