is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Randomize
