I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
