AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
