I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
