We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
