I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
