i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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