I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My feet surprised me
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
