my room smells like sperm. sweet.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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