why didn't you poke me back
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
