tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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