i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
