I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
