I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sorry about my life...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
