I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
