Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
