I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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