no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
