I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
