Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
