Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
