we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
