Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dicks are not precious.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
