You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
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