So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
