just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Please don't give away my fajitas
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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