If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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