she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
