just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
