About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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