the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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