I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
