If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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