fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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