I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
In other news, I just burned my penis
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
