did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
one might say we're banned from that church
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
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