eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
