You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
