How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
