I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
