i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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