I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
