i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
