just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
