New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
