Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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