my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
