Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Even my vagina gasped.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize