i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
