Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
