Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
