When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
