Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
