Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
